Thanks so much for listening and helping. I am super tired of this song now and must move on
sincerely
Paul
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Pretty guitars and vocals, and interesting/inspiring lyrics. I was feeling like there is a sameness of vibe through the song, perhaps it could use some change-ups to add more interest for the listener? This may sound odd, but I thought of this song when listening: The Zombies - Time Of The Season. I know the style is way different (Psychedelic Rock), but if you could grab 10-20% of the type of change-ups they do and put it in your own style, I think it could jazz this up. Just a thought. I like the prettiness you have done with this, but I think I would like to hear a little more pizzazz if you know what I mean.
The lead/melody part at 1:48 is a good start, it helps break up the other parts and adds interest. Nice to hear you play āleadā too. 
If you could just add in some other sounds/parts, or even sound effects like some gentle wind or something (goes with sun and blue sky), maybe even bird chirps, I think that would help a lot. Just add to the theme you already have if this vibe is exactly what you were going for.
I hope that helps. 
And hereās a link to that song:
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He Stan The Manā¦I really love the zombie song. Some wierd chords I imagine like when they say :love in". Yur kinda old when you know all those lyrics:)
Yeah, this is just a start and that Breedlove part was there because I didnāt have a second verse yet. I did a one take and played that poorly and lame.
You have some great suggestions and I am going to explore all of them.
I had someone plow my driveway (200 yards and turn around) this past winter. I have 12 hours already into picking up the rocks he sprayed rocks everywhere and they donāt rake up. I welded a blade on my rake and weighted it. Tough on the hands and wristsā
(Psychedelic Rock), but if you could grab 10-20% of the type of change-ups they do
Yeah, I hate backing tracks that are just jab stab repetitious fill. I do that to get things going. Yes so much to add.
There is nuthin it for you to take the time to jot down your take on this, but is a big time help to me. I wish I could return the favor. Now back to raking and then the studio
Thanks
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If you mean the lead/melody part at 1:48, that no longer seems to be there. It looks like you uploaded another version with added vocals but I donāt think I see added lyrics posted. I thought the performance of that was okay and sounded nice to me. I didnāt critique the playing, and I understand it may have been a āscratchā track, but I canāt listen back to it now.
Iām glad I could be helpful. And I enjoy giving production ideas when a work is still in progress. Must be the aspiring āmusic producerā in me. 
I do hope to post something soon, and would certainly appreciate your feedback. The creative bug is really nagging at me for sure.
BTW, thatās long driveway man. Lotta rocks too I guess (gravel?). If youāre out in the country I can see the challenges that go along with that, but also the benefits. As the apocalypse seems to loom closer and closer, you may be well positioned to endure it. Just have plenty of ammo, cause itāll probably be a zombie apocalypse. 
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Hey Stan. Yeah, I listened to the song this morning and thought that last verse was just awful. I deleted it and put the acoustic solo in itās place. I moved some notes so the timing is better. I will have to come up with something different there.
I also isolated the acoustic track and it has a suck factor of 8.3, so i will do that over or go electric.
Yes my driveway is gravel. I wish I could provide a video of my place. Never ending work. have a great day
Okay, coming in late on this. Where are you with the song now; what are you unsure of?
Overall it has a nice feel and youāre getting a very nice sound on the acoustics.
To answer the original question, what I hear in the chorus is that the rhythm and cadence change throw me off a little. I felt like you could stretch the words there a little more to match with the verse. Maybe hold āSunā for a two count and full notes on āis upā, so that phrase takes 4 beats instead of 2, if that makes sense.
Whatās nice about your stuff to me when you get started on it is that I always hear lots of orchestration ideas to support your melodies, because they are strong and direct.
Hi Bob did you hit it on the nose. It feels so clumsy in that chorus. I also thought the āsun is upā just didnāt fit. I think i changed the beat from a four count to a three count. It should have registered when I couldnāt find a drum beat to match.
I think subconsciously I realized the song was dragging a bit and wanted to make sure the chorus would add some spice with a faster feel.
I just reposted an update with a little electric guitar transitions.
I donāt like the chorus lyrics at all. Might redo that with the new four beat chords. LOL
What a bonehead I am. Thanks for solving the problem Bobā¦great catch
I think Iāve missed a few edits and reworks - but as I hear it now, it sounds great.
I love the timing change in the chorus. Really opens the song up shifting gears like that. I am actually toying with a song doing the opposite, with the straight 4/4 time in the chorus instead.
Mate, I think you are getting better and better with each thing you post. When I get the chance to come here and listen to a few tunes, I am always a little excited to hear what you have in store. Might I say, I am glad this one was up beat more so! Your last one or two I heard were pretty dark (loved em, but dark).
Hi Dan I went to the studio and isolated a small take of a four count in the chorus to practice that feel for a new chorus. I took it to my lazy boy, got out my lyric sheet and was about to develop a melody line with different lyrics. I soon discovered that I laid down the identical track with a 3 count. ha ha
Now I am not sure what to do. I will revist the track and decide. Might have to make up my own drum track. The only thing I found was a jass drum track? Duhh that should have told me right then the cadence was different
Would be great to hear the song you are toying with. I say put it up here raw right away. comments here from good ears are so helpful.
Thank for the kind words and no I donāt like to make dark tracks. ha ha
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All good. I say donāt change it but then I suppose thatās the idea of the forum right, to hear different opinions and then you have to judge whatās best.
I canāt upload anything raw yet as it is literally just a note on a piece of paper at the moment. It is the project I am working on with someone else where she sends me a demo and a vocal track and I produce all the music. Iāve decided I will try drums that are in 6/8 time and then straighten up in the chorus. But I will upload it partially done once I get startedā¦ Thanks.
Hi Dan That is an interesting way to make tracks. With someone sending a demo and then going to work on it. Canāt wait to hear it. Donāt be shy if it isnāt done. I like to hear updates and hear the progress.
I hit the wall on this last one. Nothing in my had yet for a new one, but the day aināt done yet. peace
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Hey @feaker! I had a thought that you might consider. Youāre really good about putting your songs out here to analyze in its various stages and it shows how great a community like this can come together and make something even better.
Anyway, I would encourage you to add your changes, etc as a reply to your thread. Just include the new version in your responses. Then newcomers, or someone that is late to the conversation can hear it in its various steps of progress. Itād be especially helpful to a new songwriter, or someone that is shy about posting their own stuff. I hope that makes sense.
Also, Iām digging this tune! Keep it up! 
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Hey boss You have to tell me those things and I thank you for it. Some of my first feeler takes are an hourās work, but at that time I want friends to chirp. One doesnāt ever know if your song is crap or decent. I also have this fear of wasting forum space.
There otta be a study on learning curves for the elderly.
best to you
Donāt worry about space. When you put the new track on over the old, it doesnāt delete the old file, so the space is being used either way
We can always add more space anyway lol
But youāre doing great!
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Quite the opposite! Keep it coming, in whatever form. I find my visits to be very sporadic of late but I love seeing that things are still happening!!!
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Hi feaker,
Love the melody of this song, and your instrumentation is perfect.
And I do love the guitar solo, very simple and yet so nice, fits the whole song very well.
Your vocals is so refreshing and soothing.
And the message full of hope is very positive.
Thanks for this song!!!
Rene
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You are one of the very few that consistently contribute your music to the forum, and I appreciate it, as Iām sure others do. I like hearing your ideas and thinking about where they could go. They are direct and accessible, and perfect for getting discussions going.
Attaboy!
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Up until now, I havenāt had a good chance to listen to this one Paul. This is really well done. I love the slight twist on the very familiar that youāve put on things here. You have a real knack for that!
Just one suggestion for the sibilance: In the chorus, when the āsā sounds stack on top of one another, try de-essing the harmony/backing vocals really assertively. Soloād they will sound like they are lisping, but when you add them in with the lead vocal, you wonāt be able to notice that the āsā is missing from the harmony, as the main vocal has plenty of āsā in it. You could even do it manually while you are singing the backing vocals. Just replace the āsā with a soft āthā sound.
Nicely done!
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Hi Bob Sweet words from a very nice man. Each time I finish a track I think what the heck now could one sing about. what chords, what melody line, what theme, etc. Once in awhile I go to poems. I was just thinking about the great childhood had and how I would love to go back there. Anyhow, I googled āI want to go back in timeā I found a good first line and stole it. I didnāt like the rest of the poem, but I got the jump start I needed. I then decided, because I was going back in time, it should sound 50 ish. I played a C and then and Aminor and I am now about done with the song. ha ha
As the song was starting to get a life of itās own, my thoughts went fleeting to the thoughts of how fun this would have been to colab with forum friends.
Thanks again Bob. Life is good
Hi bud I have a new abbreviation I often use. WWAD What would Andy do? I used it today again. I got that from my daughter. Herās is WWDD. What would dad do.
I recorded the last verse of a new song and the vox sounds so tinny compared to the first verse? I said out loud WWAD? I guess at all the levels and it shows itās ugly head often.
I canāt wait to listen to those āsā sounds you are talking about. You see I just listen haphazardly and move on. Your ears are trained to spot trouble.
I will be posting a new one I made up the last couple of days. I would love to have someone add to it. Anyhow, I hope you can enjoy music when you get to be my age as much as I do. Itās kinda of my golf. ha ha best to you
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