Just taking a listen on my studio speakers… Ok now I have some perspective…
Very different for you, Dan - kudos for trying something new!
Here are a few of my impressions:
Vocals: The vocals feel like they need more warmth in the low mids - they are a little too nasal; a little on the “sterile” sounding, and it gives me the slight impression that the vocalist is somewhat detached and disinterested - Of course, I know that’s not the case, but it’s just the emotion that comes across.
For this style of music, the vocals in general feel under-done, both in terms of overall production and processing. The chorus vocals are crying out for some layering and harmonies, and I feel like you’re being really timid with the ambience processing. Here’s your chance to really develop some swirling, trippy, atmospheric delays and reverbs to really make those choruses explode with colour and movement.
Which brings me to the overall long-term dynamics: In music like this, the chorus has to DROP, and it needs to be full-on. It needs to get BIGGER in every possible metric - overall volume level, frequency range, width, depth and space. Automation is your friend. At present, mix sounds quite static in that respect. I really wanted it to happen, but it just didn’t.
The last aspect I want to mention is transitions. These are ultra important in this style of music. They are opportunities to create expectation and anticipation, but they are really going begging here… Eg. The break before the first chorus is just…silence…! How about just trying a delay throw on “mouth is”? Chuck a subtly swelling reverse cymbal underneath it and run it through a flanger, maybe? C’mon man! This is an awesome opportunity to let your imagination run wild!
The final chorus transition is much better, and it works really well, but the drop is just not as big as it needs to be. I would suggest maybe mixing a little of the original vocal in with the band-limited one in the breakdown, as the intelligibility is being compromised by the effect there - you’re losing your sibilant sounds, and it over-emphasises the nasality in her tone just a bit too much.
I’m probably sounding too critical here, so I’m sorry if that’s how I come across… I really think you’ve got a great production happening… I just think you’ve got to push a little bit more to see it really reach it’s full potential.