Bash this WIP?

Bash this WIP?
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#1

I’ve been working on a song, on and off, for a few years called “Would You Stay?”. I’ve been stuck on finishing up the lyrics, mainly the chorus and ending. I’ve got a rough draft recorded with looping drums, and some lyrics aren’t recorded. Completing this has been daunting. I need help with the quality of the lyrics.

Here they are:

Verse 1:
I’m hardly ever satisfied
I’m hiding behind my pride
Can’t you see? It was something long ago
It’s part of me, this lump in my throat

If the flame went out tonight
With no sparks to re-ignite
Would you try to keep me warm
Or leave me to the storm?

Not-so-confident Chorus:
It’s not too late for sorry
Or too late to say
I’m not asking for stories
I’m asking “Would you stay, or walk away?”

Verse 2:
If I fell into pieces
Would you put me back together
If my light didn’t shine
Would you show me the way?

If I were rendered speechless
Would you be my song?
If I were to go blind
Would we see eye to eye?

Chorus

Bridge
The more you get to know me I am terrified
Will you like what you find behind my front?
The pieces put together a consolation prize
When will you decide what you want?

Ending
Would you stay?
Should you, could you?
Repeated in cadence with the instruments

Thanks for listening and for your feedback!


#2

I sort of like the tone of the bass. But its pushing ahead of the drums in some places and the 8th notes in the heavier parts aren’t evenly spaced from note to note. Can you quantize them?

I like the smashed as hell sounding drums. Normally I’d say that’s too much compression but this has a nice vibe. If you have the drums compressed, you may wanna try backing them off just a hair, but I think that over-the-top smashed as fuck snare sounds cool with the guitars and bass.

The vocal is the biggest problem here. The lack of dynamics management is really hurting this. The style reminds me a little bit of Angels Airwaves/Fallout Boy/Hoobistank (if you remember them). Its not so much the pushing and pulling of the vocal phrases as it is certain phrases popping in and out at different volumes. I would maybe try to control this with a combination of automation and compression unless of course those are placeholder vocals as you stated you weren’t finished yet.

But I think its a super cool song. I grew up listening to stuff just like this! :slight_smile:


#3

Thank you for listening! The drum beat is a sample from within Addictive Drums. Maybe instrument playing is off-beat.

I’ll take a look at the compression settings, once I get a chance. Once I’ve finished writing lyrics, I’ll be more serious about production.

Yeah, I’ve got an issue with my vocals standing out too much. Everyone is their own worst critic haha Thanks again, for your feedback :slight_smile: