Bash this WIP?

Bash this WIP?
0

#1

I’ve been working on a song, on and off, for a few years called “Would You Stay?”. I’ve been stuck on finishing up the lyrics, mainly the chorus and ending. I’ve got a rough draft recorded with looping drums, and some lyrics aren’t recorded. Completing this has been daunting. I need help with the quality of the lyrics.

Here they are:

Verse 1:
I’m hardly ever satisfied
I’m hiding behind my pride
Can’t you see? It was something long ago
It’s part of me, this lump in my throat

If the flame went out tonight
With no sparks to re-ignite
Would you try to keep me warm
Or leave me to the storm?

Not-so-confident Chorus:
It’s not too late for sorry
Or too late to say
I’m not asking for stories
I’m asking “Would you stay, or walk away?”

Verse 2:
If I fell into pieces
Would you put me back together
If my light didn’t shine
Would you show me the way?

If I were rendered speechless
Would you be my song?
If I were to go blind
Would we see eye to eye?

Chorus

Bridge
The more you get to know me I am terrified
Will you like what you find behind my front?
The pieces put together a consolation prize
When will you decide what you want?

Ending
Would you stay?
Should you, could you?
Repeated in cadence with the instruments

Thanks for listening and for your feedback!


#2

I sort of like the tone of the bass. But its pushing ahead of the drums in some places and the 8th notes in the heavier parts aren’t evenly spaced from note to note. Can you quantize them?

I like the smashed as hell sounding drums. Normally I’d say that’s too much compression but this has a nice vibe. If you have the drums compressed, you may wanna try backing them off just a hair, but I think that over-the-top smashed as fuck snare sounds cool with the guitars and bass.

The vocal is the biggest problem here. The lack of dynamics management is really hurting this. The style reminds me a little bit of Angels Airwaves/Fallout Boy/Hoobistank (if you remember them). Its not so much the pushing and pulling of the vocal phrases as it is certain phrases popping in and out at different volumes. I would maybe try to control this with a combination of automation and compression unless of course those are placeholder vocals as you stated you weren’t finished yet.

But I think its a super cool song. I grew up listening to stuff just like this! :slight_smile:


#3

Thank you for listening! The drum beat is a sample from within Addictive Drums. Maybe instrument playing is off-beat.

I’ll take a look at the compression settings, once I get a chance. Once I’ve finished writing lyrics, I’ll be more serious about production.

Yeah, I’ve got an issue with my vocals standing out too much. Everyone is their own worst critic haha Thanks again, for your feedback :slight_smile:


#4

I agree that the vocals may need to back down and maybe trim a little of the high with a shelf on them. Nice tune!


#5

Hey @TheRyGuy! Welcome back! not sure how I missed this post and I hadn’t seen you since you had your wedding, etc. Hope you’re doing well! Song is coming together nicely. Working on an album project lately?


#6

Thank you! I am doing well, thank you. My wife and I are expecting in November! It’s been a busy first year of marriage haha

Thanks for checking out the song. I’ve been on the fence about putting an album together. I’ve thought of grouping together songs of the same kind of mood, but have trouble picking them out. Then, there’s the work that goes into recording and producing haha


#7

Congrats! Happy for for you! Yeah, you think that the last year has been busy. Just wait till that kiddo shows up! :yum:


#8

Seriously though. Super stoked for you. Enjoy every moment! And keep cranking out those tunes! Even if you don’t package it as an “album” it’s worth continueing to write and record. That kiddo will inspire some writing too I’m sure :wink:


#9

Like the song. Didn’t read the others. I would like to hear more variations in the vocal delivery. Just doesn’t push the vibe enough. The sound is good tho, Also need some lead guitar added to all those power chords :slight_smile: Good luck


#10

HiRiGuy,
(sorry couldn’t resist :joy:)
Like the song, but had to listen twice to realize you didn’t record the chorus. No wonder there was something lacking. So I can imagine how the chorus might sound, but its a pity I can’t hear your (not so confident) idea.
The chorus would sound great with a much higher backing vocal.

Lyrics wise, I’m not 100% sure what you’re trying to get across. Are you the one who’s flame went out or she (or he if you’re so inclined)? Is she the one who has to say sorry or you? I’m confused. “It’s not too late for sorry” is a good line, but what do you mean?
Two interpretations (depending on what you’re trying to say):

It’s not to late for ‘sorry’
It’s not too late too stay
There’s no need for excuses
Just please don’t go away

or:

If I’m not to late for ‘sorry’
If you’ll hear me out this day
I hope you’ll reconsider
If you’ll stay or walk away

The latter seem to fit the rest of the song best, but that is of course completely up to you.
Anyway just some ideas, hope they help