I wrote lyrics about stuffing a cucumber down your pants to make your peninsula of masculinity look larger in the style of Rush. If someone more technically proficient at their instruments than I am would like to try their hand at recording a version, I’d be ecstatic.
That’s Not My Cucumber
Verse 1
long ago in the ancient times
a vegetable was grown
timeless song was sung
the king rejoyced on his throne
the bandits of Ganon & the dwarfs
had forged a plan to steal
they’d use this timeless prize
to increase their sex appeal
Bridge 1
I will not partake of this vegetable
not with this abuse
for the spirits and the gods
still know it’s true use
Chorus
In the palace of the virgins
Through the goblet of youth
That’s not my cucumber
Must we sacrifice the truth?
Verse 2
they woke at the dawn of ages
to find their noble crop had gone
much anger and frustration
their vegetable was not a schlong!
the king was saddened
and the people in despair
they gathered the weapons of sacredness
and set a course for their lair
Bridge 2
I will not partake of this journey
for I know Ganon’s true ancient power
the bells of supreme evil chime
they will be spirits within the hour
Verse 3
the people lay defeated
at the hands of Ganon the destructive god
contempt with his doings
he gave a satisfied nod
he found no absolution
when in became ritual
he layed down in eternal sleep
he felt his life had been full
Bridge 3
I never partook in this ancient evil
logic dictates that cannot be mine
I would never lie to you female
for who would do such a crime?
I’m hearing it as kind of a “By-Tor and the Snow Dog” type saga. Sounds interesting, though until I deliver my tracks for the Fur Traders sequel I can’t commit to anything. So I’m in a bit of a pickle. I’ll keep an eye on this though and see what develops.
I was trying to sing your lyrics to the tune of “A Farewell To Kings”. Your first 4 lines worked fine with that tune, but I had a difficult time making the other lyrics fit. Damn!
You should send your lyrics to Neil Peart. Maybe he’ll find a spot for them on the next RUSH album.
I think they’re unofficially retired. They stopped writing lyrics like this around Permanent Waves, and had totally ditched it by Signals and on. I’m gonna help them get back to their roots.
I commend you for attempting to bring those guys back to their roots. They got too intellectual after Fly By Night and 2112. I miss the vulgarity and raw sexuality of their early albums!
I was going to mention “In The Mood”. It’s the most sexually suggestive RUSH song I can think of at the moment.
I’ve been thinking of recording a few dirty, old songs I wrote a long time ago. I wonder if posting that kind of stuff on youtube and facebook would get my youtube channel and facebook page shut down…? I think youtube would be fine with it, as long as I clicked the button that say “for people over 18 years of age”, “Rated XXX”.
I don’t think lyrics offend many companies, you’ve got to have a video of it to offend cunts anymore. Or use that word! I LOVE IT! How would you like to make a dirty concept album with @Stan_Halen making musical contributions and a female singer? Once Interstellar Fur Traders ends of course. I have a wonderful ode to masturbation in the pipeline.
Hmm, I’ll have to blame the lyrics on you and Stan if people get REAL offended, hahaha.
There’s nothing off limits in my mind…Art is supposed to be limitless and every feeling, expression and attitude should be allowed a voice. As long as nobody gets hurt, it’s all good.
It is quite offensive and talks about all sorts of sexual acts and wanting to take part in them .
Its a progressive accoustic demo, its got some great lines and structure. I doubt it’ll be aloud on here though!
Can’t wait to see the writing credits.
“That’s Not My Cucumber” by Vlasic, Claussen, and Vlasic.
The lyrics kind of fit the cadence of “Freewill” if you work at it. Maidens will quiver at sacrificing the truth that it is in fact not your cucumber.
The B side of the single could be “The Wizard’s Codpiece Speaks” or something to that effect to keep the ladies involved in the imagery. Done properly, you could be sued by both Rush and Uriah Heep to really get the publicity train rolling.
I’ll keep an eye on this though and see what develops.
